The decision to leave the perceived safety of the Frozen Fortress was a difficult one. My first thought was to find a way to melt it. There was a determination to leave. Could I find a way to light fires all around? The risk would be if I couldn’t keep the fires roaring. My concern was that if fear set it in, I would stop feeding the fires. Yes, fires. The Fortress was big. One fire wouldn’t consume it well.
What I decided to do was blow it up. I would be without the protective covering that I had come accustomed to. Truly exposed to deal with life without my comfortable coping mechanisms. Yet I knew that those coping mechanisms were not helping me thrive in life. I was surviving well, in my opinion. I also knew that I wanted more out of life than just surviving.
What would it take to be known? It was the challenge I gave myself. I would have to be honest with myself. To learn to dig deep and call out the lies I would tell myself. I was not okay. I did not know if I could do this. I only knew I had to try. If I did not try, I would never know and I would never give myself a chance to be whole.
What does it mean to be whole? For me, at this moment, it meant to simply stop running back into the Fortress. To learn to cope in healthy ways. Not by pulling back into my mind. Not telling myself lies. To take accountability for my actions that were not pushing me towards wholeness. To allow myself the space to grieve the past. To give a voice to the young child that was wounded so. This would require a place of courage I had never found before.
The Fortress was built by tears that I never allowed myself to shed. When I endured an event that was not ideal, I would shut the pain away. I would cry on the inside not allowing anyone to see tears. To me, to cry was a sign of weakness. I knew I couldn’t let anyone see that I was weak. Looking back, I was not fooling anyone.
To systematically place sticks of dynamite around the Fortress and blow it up was equal to ripping the Band-Aid off. It is going to hurt, but I was ready to get the process started. Once I did that, I knew I was going to start planning a Podcast titled “Picking up the Pieces”. I saw each piece as something I should be embarrassed by. I knew to be successful I was going to have to embrace these flaws I saw in myself.
Here is what I wrote describing the Podcast:
We’ve often heard the phrase “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade!” Great, let’s squeeze the crap out of those lemons to release our frustration, but then we need to add a whole lotta sugar to make it palpable to be able to enjoy it.
The phrase I used most was I’m just working with the hand that was dealt me. This required me to have a poker face and bluff my way through life. I had no control over the circumstances of my younger years, thus the cards that were dealt to me. I learned to hide behind a mask, perfecting my poker face. A quick wit of humor to disarm you and leave you wondering who I really was. Or the angry version where my words would cut you swiftly in two like a sharp knife, while I walked away leaving you bewildered.
The challenge was to blow up what I thought was my safe place. Slowly beginning to pick up pieces that I believed were areas of my life to be embarrassed about, liabilities. I needed to learn to examine them, find their beauty, and to embrace what was unique about each piece. To put it away securely. In its proper place. To sit back and see that it makes an amazing masterpiece.
I hope you will join me each week as we walk through life together. Discovering who we really are. And that it is ok to be imperfect.
Blowing up the Fortress was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. It is also one of the most fulfilling. I feel naked like a turtle without its protective shell. My underlying anxiety has slowly disappeared. In all honesty, I have never been happier. What once felt like protection was a prison that was keeping me captive. I am free like I have never experienced before.
Are you ready to move forward into freedom? Put down your masks and truly be known? I would love to hear your story.
