When I was young, I loved playing outside, regardless of the season. Winter became my favorite. To get bundled up into a snowsuit, boots, gloves, and hat was not a burden. Once a major snow came my dad would bring a tractor home to clean the driveway. He would take the snow to the backyard to pile over the swing set. I could not wait to begin to build an igloo around the swings! This became my favorite hideout. It was a shield from the wind. It was quiet and surprisingly warm. I could lay on the snowy ground for hours alone. It was a welcome break from being alone in my bedroom. I never dreamed that as I grew old, it would stick with me and become my Frozen Fortress.
Now, as an adult, I was in my counselor’s office. She asked me what was going on behind the blank stare I was giving her. For the first time in my life to give an answer. To figure it out. Where did I go? What was happening in my mind. That evening, I was home and began to dig in. To really move forward in my life would mean I needed to look inward like never before.
I recently discovered a song by We the Kingdom. Its title is “Cages” and the lyrics became challenging to me. Below are the lyrics and I’ve bolded the lines that stood out the most to me personally.
What if I got real honest?
What if I took a risk?
What if I opened up my heart
And let you see in?
What if I took my mask off?
Trying to fit in
I don’t wanna be a mannequin
What if I let my guard down?
What if I took a breath?
What if I wasn’t perfect?
What if I was just a mess?
What if I bled my soul out
Givin’ all I could give?
I’m so tired of pretending
I’m comin’ out of my cages
I’m steppin’ down from my stages
I’m sick and tired of faking it
What I wouldn’t give to be known
What I wouldn’t give to be known
What if I got new armor?
What if I swung my sword?
What if I face my demons
Like I’ve never done before?
What if I hung my banner?
What if I chose a side?
What if I knew I couldn’t lose this time?
I found myself listening to this song on repeat. Wanting to figure out why I would not interact with my counselor. Why I was hiding behind a mask with her? Of all people! Then these words poured out into my journal:
I sit inside my fortress.
I sit inside in solitude protected from the outside world.
I filled my fortress with every practical thing I need, but you can not come inside to see.
I have created my fortified city to keep everyone away.
I stand guard at the windows.
I see you approaching across the frozen tundra.
Are you a friend or a foe? Oh, you puzzle me so!
What could possibly bring you here?
I step outside to meet you as you cannot come inside to see.
The poker face glare is a practiced stare.
Emotion is rare as few are shared.
Humor was learned to keep others away.
As we laugh, let us walk this way as you cannot come inside my Fortress to see.
Now I find myself in a strange place. A yearning I never had before.
There is a stirring inside that I just cannot ignore.
Will someone help me leave the Fortress?
Help me have the courage to leave it behind?
To melt the icy glare that I have hidden behind.
What would it take to be known?
Can I give a voice to the child that was shut into that Fortress so long ago?
Is it possible that the reward is greater than the risk?
It just might be. Could it be? I secretly hope so.
When the Frozen Fortress melts, it is going to create quite a mess. This scares me so much.
I am not ok hidden in this Fortress; I hate to admit it. It is time to stop pretending that I am. Time to put down the masks, and step into reality. To dig deep for a place of honesty. Slowly building the fires that will melt the Fortress for good.
I have come to realize how the Fortress was built.
It is from all the tears that I never allowed myself to shed.
They have been stored up here, each with a story to be shared.
Can I find the courage to give a voice to the girl who has been trapped here for such a long time?
She is worthy of being heard.
The story will be continued with the next blog on what I decided to do with the Fortress! You can also follow the story on my Podcast, “Picking up the Pieces” which is coming soon. That should be a clue that I decided not to melt the Fortress but blew it up instead.
Do you have a place that you go to hide? Do you feel the need to keep others out? Wear a mask?
Are you feeling the urge to leave, but need a companion for the journey? I would love to hear your story.
